I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The beer is more important than you right now.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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