I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
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