theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
