You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
