Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
