We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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