Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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