Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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