I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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