Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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