There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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