3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
