god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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