Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
