Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
