haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
