i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
