I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
