I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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