Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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