Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I wish there were birth control emojis
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
