Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
