I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
