1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
