I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
