apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
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And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
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I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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