I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
