There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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