thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
