brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
