Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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