my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
sex in a hospital.. check
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
