I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
