yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
