just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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