Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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