someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
i need to put some appletini on your dick
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
