I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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