I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
