i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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