either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
