just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
