I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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