I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
