So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
