i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
