No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
