I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
