never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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