I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
