they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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