Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
