Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
