I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
